Preface:
This is not the sort of thing regualarly posted on this blog or any blog. That being said, here’s a bit of a (somewhat idiotic) fiction for a change:
Part I: Intro
Humpty Dumpty, was in fact murdered. He was very murderously murdered, by some very murderous fellows, who were murderers. The moment that Humpty Dumpty ceased to live, things remarkably managed to take a turn for the worse, and not just on Earth. This was due to the fact that Humpty Dumpty (more accurately Professor Humpty Dumpty) was a very influential figure throughout the entire universe, and the influence he exerted was generally regarded as a good one. Even the murderous murderers who murdered Professor Humpty Dumpty acknowledged all of the wondrously good things that he did. However, they were a rather villainous sort, and being villains, they really didn't have a choice but to oppose all wondrously good things.
Born some time in the eighteenth century, Humpty Dumpty proved to be something of a genius at a very young age. His parents, who were chickens, failed to recognize his extraordinary potential, because they were chickens, and were therefore vastly stupid. Thankfully, the farmer who owned the chickens (Mr. and Mrs. Dumpty) did notice young Humpty's aptitude. After realizing there was an ultra-intelligent egg on his property, it took the farmer roughly 14 hours to do anything about it. The first 12 were spent in a catatonic state, induced by pure shock, while the latter two were spent checking his sanity and conversing with what he had previously believed to be an inanimate object. With Humpty's permission, he then figured he might inform the news, and before long, Humpty Dumpty was a globally recognized name. Soon after that, life from all over the universe was marveling at Humpty, and the folk on Earth were marveling at them.
You see, we Earth people still haven’t been able to engineer any efficient ways of traversing sizable distances in space, within a short amount of time. Being in the seventeen hundreds, such space travel had not been conceived in the slightest. However, then Humpty made his remarkable appearance, and after acquiring some education, quickly mastering all known forms of advanced physics and mathematics, and developing a good deal of new ones himself, he opened the rest of the known universe up to the Earth-dwellers.
It turned out that the universe was still very empty, but that it was also far more substantially occupied than we had suspected. Another puzzling piece of information was this: one would expect that if a conversant, ultra-intelligent egg, birthed by lowly Sussex chickens, were to crop up on such an ordinary planet as Earth, that this sort of phenomenon would have happened numerous other times and places in the universe. And yet, this was not the case. The miraculous existence of Humpty Dumpty was a truly singular event that occurred on none other but our very own home planet - in Shropshire to be exact.
Part II: Humpty Dumpty
In the earliest moments of Humpty Dumpty's existence, he appeared to be just a normal egg. He was a member of a clutch destined to hatch into the next generation of hearty Sussex chickens; that is to say he was by no means a grocery egg. However, while his siblings were dutifully incubating, in a perfectly normal manner, Humpty's egg - that is to say, Humpty himself - was steadily growing day by day. And, when his siblings dutifully hatched, in a perfectly normal manner, emerging as chicks, Humpty just continued to grow. This was because there was no chicken in Humpty at all, only a brain. Humpty Dumpty never hatched, but grew and grew, unobserved in a corner. That is until he sprouted eyes, a nose, a mouth, arms, legs, and began speaking in English. This is when he was noticed by the farmer. He eventually acquired trousers, a waistcoat, oxfords, a top hat, and a monocle, all in due time, as his intellectual powers grew.
While his shell was much thicker than that of the average egg, and he was able to safely perform day-to-day activities, his disposition was still rather too fragile to participate in any strenuous and dangerous physical activities (although, after deciding to take up curling, he became Earth’s foremost curler, as well as the universe’s, because absolutely no one else in the universe curls). The strength of his shell was roughly the strength of an osteoporosis-suffering human’s bone.
Humpty Dumpty was a staid, formal sort of egg-person-being-thing, and he could come across as a bit stodgy, stiff, and haughty at times. When one read his expression, one did not think him vacant or dumb per se; more that he had a respectable lack of interesting things floating around in his head. However, this was not true. He actually had a remarkable number of very interesting and groundbreaking ideas churning in his brain. He himself, though, was just not very affected by these thoughts, or anything else: hence his dull and very proper countenance.
Humpty Dumpty was a prodigy when it came to anything intellectual and creative. He studied at the finest of universities from all over the universe and came to surpass in skill and understanding all of the leading experts there were to be found anywhere, in nearly any field you could attain a doctorate in. (Indeed, Humpty Dumpty did earn quite a lot of doctorates, and was a professor many times over.) It has already been mentioned that Humpty Dumpty introduced Earth to space-travel – and advanced space-travel at that–which led to countless breakthroughs and revolutionized our understanding of the universe and our place in it. Among other things, he also wrote three extremely well regarded operas, as well as several string quartets, symphonies, oratorios, and piano pieces; he discovered 13 new fractal patterns found in seashells; he wrote an extensive collection of sonnets and haikus; he published over 200 critically acclaimed academic articles; he predicted and found a new element, as well as a new elementary particle, and did much, much more. It must be remembered that, while some of these discoveries seem quite out of place for the eighteenth century, Humpty Dumpty had raised our technological prowess and scientific understanding to a place we have not yet even reached; it will later be revealed why we, unfortunately, do not currently still possess this knowledge. All of this was accomplished in Humpty Dumpty’s fourth year of existence. It seems odd to say that he was four years old, simply because he seemed either so much older, or so entirely without age.
However, the reason Humpty Dumpty became such a literally universal hero was the fact that he made two particularly life-changing and utterly profound discoveries. While he was already an extremely well-regarded, guiding figure in the universe, it was these two discoveries that earned him the privilege of being regarded by everyone, everywhere, as having a truly positive influence on everything.
The first discovery was this: he designed and invented the toothbrush. Not only that, but he was the first to develop toothpaste. It was even fluoridated. Now, from our perspective today, this may not seem like the most profoundly impressive thing. In fact, it might come off as rather anticlimactic. However, this is not the case. Let me explain.
At the time Humpty Dumpty discovered and developed these things, oral hygiene was at the lowest point ever recorded in human history. Half of all people had half of their teeth made out of ivory. Another even more miserable third had half of their teeth made out of wood. Some did have entirely organic teeth, but most of them had remarkably few of these, and wished that they had some metal teeth. People had more primitive root canals than they did haircuts, and there was a constant shortage of dentists, despite there being a dentist’s office on every block. Eighty percent of the universal population had tooth decay, ninety percent had gingivitis, and absolutely everyone had halitosis. In fact, the stench of bad breath was so bad that everyone had to wear masks and stand six feet apart. Most forms of existing orthodontia had been abandoned ages ago, seeing as crooked teeth were the least of anybody’s worries.
You may wonder why nobody had considered cleaning their teeth before, and be surprised that Humpty Dumpty was the first to ever think of a toothbrush. Was everyone in the universe daft? Of course not; that’d be ridiculous. Only a rather large portion was. But everyone, including the intelligent folk, were much too terrified of their own teeth to want to inspect them too closely, or think about them very much. Even the dentists had learned to concentrate on light, pleasant things while performing operations, to save them from PTSD. This slightly inhibited their precision, but they had to wear so much protective gear that they could see very little in the first place. People in general tried to think very little about their teeth, because doing so almost always sent one into the bleakest of depression, often accompanied by paranoia and insanity. Hence, Humpty Dumpty’s discovery was of the most necessary and salutary sort. He quite probably saved all life in the universe, since heart attacks linked to tooth aches and such things were increasing exponentially, and soon everyone might have been deceased.
The improved dental care was much appreciated everywhere, and general morale and optimism increased by quite a bit. However, the universe still was still in the clutches of despair. For as long as anyone could remember, the universe had been plunged into the deepest, darkest, bleakest depression. This was just seen as the normal state of things, though, so nobody diagnosed it as depression. However, when this chronic misery was finally cured, people were astounded at how miserable they really had been. If you think the world is a depressing place now, which it most certainly is, then you had better be glad you were not born in these Doubly Dark Ages. This name comes from the fact that the average serotonin levels were half of what they were in the more familiar Dark Ages.
You may be wondering how such a massive problem could be cured. This was Humpty Dumpty’s second particularly life-changing and utterly profound discovery. While cavities were one thing, such bitter depression – rooted in complex emotion and the very workings of mind – could not be corrected so simply as with a toothbrush. No, Humpty Dumpty required a more complex solution. To this end, he devoted considerable time, energy, and thought into probing the depths of psychology.
Humpty Dumpty’s intensive research and hard work eventually paid off, and he presented his findings to the universe on a very momentous day indeed. His unassuming but thoroughly profound discovery was this: the knock-knock joke. Again, as with the toothbrush, I know what you might be tempted to think: is this a joke? And yes, it was in all seriousness, a joke. An unprecedented and revolutionary new breed of joke, arrived at by a stroke of genius. If you find it hard to believe that the deepest, darkest, bleakest universal depression could be so effectively remedied by a knock-knock joke, then you clearly have underestimated the saying “laughter is the best medicine”. In fact, it was Humpty Dumpty that first discovered this. The knock-knock joke was the perfect concoction of playful silliness, delightful cleverness, and whimsy. It united people, and brought a much needed light-heartedness and innocently joyous humor to the universe.
While you may feel that a particularly corny joke would, if anything, increase your misery, one must keep in mind that the knock-knock joke was a very novel idea at this time. Most regrettably, many of us have grown blasé towards these most wonderful comedic constructions of words. More often than not, people nowadays are even annoyed with anything punny. They act impatient when someone good-humoredly offers up a joke and scorn the very thing that jollified the entire universe.
Anyways, you are now adequately acquainted with Humpty Dumpty’s gargantuan triumphs, groundbreaking discoveries, and stupendous influence on the universe. He was a more widely recognized hero than anyone who came before or after, and had many a holiday in celebration of his feats. Of course, it would be impossible to document all of the remarkable things that he did, or do propper justice to his genius. However, everyone was, and always will be, indebted to the great professor, Humpty Dumpty.
Part III. The Dingos’ Tale
There were, however, those who opposed the wondrously good things that Humpty Dumpty did. These, as mentioned earlier, were villainous sorts. They were the Dingos. Now, I should probably clarify a few things about the Dingos. They are not the canine dingoes found in Australia on Earth. They are the Dingos – natives of an entirely different planet, in a far off sector in the universe. The planet they live on happens to be called Awstraylea. The Dingos are a bipedal lifeform that, though intelligent, greatly lack curiosity. In another marvel of coincidence, the Dingos do, in fact, somewhat resemble Earth dingoes. However, they are upright, as was mentioned, and have an expression that resembles a somewhat surly human’s, and which betrays their cognizance. They all invariably wear a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and dusty flannel (it has not been proven that they are not born in this attire). Also, it should be noted that the Dingos are quite physically durable and that, remarkably, they can hold their breath for an entire month.
The Dingos are very fond of tradition. Actually, they do not really have any notable traditions; it’s more that they just like doing things the way that they always have done them, and are very opposed to change. This is where Humpty Dumpty became a problem - he completely altered the universe. Like us Earth folk, they had been unaware of any other life outside of their planet, Awstraylea. After Humpty Dumpty opened up Earth to the rest of the universe, we discovered Awstraylea, and the Dingos did not like being found out very well. Not that their introduction to the rest of the universe made a dent of difference in their life — they are rather insipid beings, and there is nothing of interest on their planet, which consists of barren desert and shrubs–so everyone left them completely alone shortly after they were discovered. However, they were nonetheless disconcerted about all of this discovery business.
They also, astonishingly, did not appreciate or benefit very much from Humpty Dumpty’s two major discoveries. This alone set them very much apart from the rest of the universe. It wasn’t that Humpty Dumpty’s discoveries harmed them or were meant to be inapplicable to them; it was just that they were not in a position to receive them with very much gratitude. For one thing, the whole toothbrush business made them look rather silly (that is to anyone who cared to notice them at all). The tooth decay epidemic had gotten so bad that the Dingos, who had never adopted the scandalously unnatural dentures, proudly and defiantly decided to do away with teeth altogether. They figured that this surely must be the next evolutionary step: that they would now advance ahead of all other life in the universe. This was actually very astonishing (to those who had cared to notice them all), since it was the most “progressive” thing that they had done for as long as anyone could remember. And so, they yanked out any real teeth they still possessed, and would have invested in a whole lot of blenders and straws, except that they had not invented those either. Instead, they contented themselves with scores of mortars and just as many pestles. But then, right after they did all of this, Humpty Dumpty came along, and it turned out that there was no need to yank out their teeth at all. Embarrassing.
They did not appreciate the knock-knock joke either. The Dingos had a rather narrow sense of humor, which consisted of an occasional guffaw at slapstick. Therefore, they felt cheated when the much acclaimed knock-knock joke, from which the rest of the universe gleaned so much joy, made absolutely no impression on them whatsoever. Humpty Dumpty’s achievements were once again a source of embarrassment for the Dingos.
In combination with all of these factors was the fact that the Dingos naturally had a somewhat devious nature. They could be clever, and when they thought something needed to be done, they found the swiftest and surest means of completing it. This meant that the means of completion were not always in direct accordance with the law. The Dingos were not evil, though: just naturally resourceful and villainous.
While the Dingos proclaimed to be perfectly content to continue doing the mundane things they had been doing for the last millenia, many of them were secretly desirous of a bit of action. And, seeing that there was nothing urgent to be done, except for continuing those mundane activities, they decided that it was time some action was indeed taken. It was obvious to them what this action must be: it was to remove from their path the obstacle which had left the Dingos disconcerted and embarrassed, instead of contentedly bored, whilst completing their usual mundane activities. That is, they were bored, so to cure their boredom, they would obliterate the thing that had caused them, for once, to not be bored, with the intent of restoring their boredom, which was comfortable and familiar to them.
This vexatious obstacle was none other than Humpty Dumpty. Of course, getting rid of him would logically do nothing to stop the effects of what he had already enacted, which were actually the root of the Dingos’ frustration. However the Dingos did not fret about this, and everything ended in their favor far more than would have been expected — but more of that later. A couple of the Dingos, who were particularly irascible, conniving, and set in their ways, had already plotted the demise of this heroic and brilliant character. They were considered to be very respectable figures among the Dingos, and their plan was readily accepted and adopted by the Awstraylean government. These two Dingos, by the names of Shrimpo and Barbie, were delegated with the task of executing Professor Dumpty’s demise as well. The plan was still in a rough draft stage though, as it currently consisted of 1.) finding Humpty Dumpty, and 2.) disposing of him.
The largest problems that the Dingos faced were finding a way off of Awstraylea, and then locating Humpty Dumpty after they did this. Considering the fact that they still used mortars and pestles, they most certainly did not have any means of space travel at their disposal; nor did they possess any knowledge of how space travel actually worked. They were, however, very adept at using the sling-shot. They had been utilizing this method of warfare to hunt the local wilaby-bats. for the last eternity. Seeing as the Dingos were very resourceful folk, and that the sling-shot appeared to be the only resource given the circumstances, they endeavored to make it work — and work, it somehow did.
Earth-dwellers have always had an insatiable desire to claim and settle anything and everything they “discovered”. While we have gotten a bit better at repressing our tendencies to annex and subjugate, to this day we still find it of the utmost necessity to make sure everything in the universe which we know to exist has its own personal satellite or space probe allotted to it. Therefore, even though Awstraylea was practically of no interest to anyone, the scientists on Earth had still decided to dispatch a Space-Eggs™ “interactive satellite” to monitor the planet. (An interactive satellite was simply one that traveled back and forth between Earth and whatever it was being monitored, instead of simply remaining there, and was made possible thanks to Humpty Dumpty’s discovery of advanced space-travel. This was done because it would take a remarkably long time to send pictures to Earth via radiowaves, from such an incredible distance as Awstraylea.) The only reason why I mention all of this is because this satellite was the means of Shrimpo and Barbie’s getting off of Awstraylea, and directly to Humpty Dumpty. The Dingos had become familiar with the satellite’s pattern of orbiting their planet every fortnight, and awaited its arrival. Once it made its customary appearance, and was nearly completed with its circuit, they slingshotted Shrimpo and Barbie, with unparalleled Dingoan accuracy, onto the satellite. This was accomplished using a quite massive and powerful slingshot, specially constructed for this mission.
Remarkably, this operation went very smoothly. For one thing, the scientists of Space-Eggs™ did not immediately see the footage, which was naturally captured by the satellite, of two Dingos hurtling towards it, since, being an interactive satellite, it brought its finding to the scientists, instead of sending them back to Earth. We also must remember that the Dingos’ sturdy constitution and capacity for extended periods of respiration repression enabled them to safely mount the satellite and traverse space on it. Dingos are also easily diverted, so Shrimpo and Barbie were quite content on their two week sojourn through the universe, playing many rounds of whist (yes, they had brought a pack of cards; yes, they managed to keep and manipulate their cards while clinging to a satellite moving incredibly quickly; and yes, whist also exists on Awstraylea). Unfortunately, their natural lack of curiosity led them to pay absolutely no attention to the never-in-a-lifetime view of the universe whizzing past, in a cosmic blur of color, light, and darkness – a view many would give a great deal to see.
Part IV. The Tragedy
In due course, the Dingos entered the atmosphere of our beloved planet Earth, triumphantly amount the Space-Eggs™ Interactive Satellite, and briefly ablaze. About a kilometer off from the Space-Eggs™ Research Center, Shrimpo and Barbie gracefully alighted from the satellite, parachuting their way into a neighboring copse atop a hill. They immediately set off in the direction of the Space-Eggs™ Research Center, recognizing the logo that had been on the interactive satellite. It seemed a good place to look for Humpty Dumpty, as he was its founder and lead researcher. And chance would have it that they would not have to look far for him indeed.
In fact, he had been taking a stroll through the copse himself. Spotting him from a distance, the Dingos quickly darted behind a bush, waited, and watched. Even the Dingos had been able to recognize him, as he was the only walking egg in forty-seven billion lightyears, in any direction. The learned Professor Dumpty perched himself on a stony wall a few meters off, in a clearing at the crest of the hill. He relished this spot as a peaceful and solitary place where he could think. Indeed, some of his most brilliant thoughts had sprung into being while he sat upon that wall.
“Ah, what a perfect opportunity!”, thought the Dingos. Craftily, they snuck up behind the unassuming professor; villainously they cackled, alerting poor Humpty Dumpty to the danger. In a brief moment, the reality of what was happening flickered through Humpty Dumpty’s mind. He saw that the end was near, and that there was no escaping. Humpty Dumpty was, of course, sorry to depart from existence so soon in life, when he still had so much potential, and was still investigating many intriguing lines of research. However, he was tired as well, and did not mind so much to meet the end; the thought of absolute, eternal peace filled his mind with pleasantness and ease. Humpty Dumpty had always been a genius, but only recently had he grown in wisdom, thoughtfulness, and a deeper consideration for others. The only thought troubling him was the decision he had just made, and the actions he was going to have to quickly execute accordingly.
Humpty Dumpty had grown very fond of Earth, and miraculously, people too, for that matter. He was glad that had been a help to us and to all life in the universe (excepting the Dingos). However, he also felt that, without his guidance, humanity was not yet ready for all that he made known to it. After all, it was the seventeen hundreds, and with space travel in our possession, and no one to check our power, we would — no doubt — have attempted to colonize and reign over the entire universe. Neither had Humpty Dumpty been blind to possible attempts on his life. Seeing as he had been the source of so many momentous improvements in the universe — whose genius everyone agreed on — there were bound to be violent opposers (the villainous sorts).
In his prudence, Humpty Dumpty had developed a way to quickly undo all that he had done which could potentially be dangerous. In his pocket, Humpty Dumpty carried a small button, which when pressed and activated by Humpty Dumpty’s voice, signaled a variety of things to happen. Firstly, it sounded alarms in Space-Eggs™ and other similar buildings involved in his high-tech discoveries, which enabled people to safely evacuate. Secondly, it detonated these said buildings and all other technologies developed by Humpty Dumpty. Lastly, it released a gas, developed by Humpty Dumpty, which quickly permeated the entire globe. This gas, which was synthesized from the spores of a variety of rare mushrooms, had the effect of inducing amnesia. With his genius, though, Humpty Dumpty had manipulated the mixture to erase specific knowledge from one’s memory. This involved combining the spores with AI, classical conditioning, and a good deal of electrodes.
This gas would wipe from humanity’s mind any awareness of Humpty Dumpty’s existence, and any understanding of advanced space travel, computers, usable electricity, crazy new weapons, life outside earth, and any other new discoveries brought to us by Humpty Dumpty which there was a good chance of us dangerously misusing at that time. This might seem like a wrong decision to some, seeing that these innovations and findings had significantly improved the quality of our lives. Indeed, Humpty Dumpty had struggled for a while with this decision. However, he did have the goodness to leave us with his two most life-changing and utterly profound discoveries; namely the toothbrush (with fluoridated toothpaste) and the knock-knock joke. People would simply remember these things as being invented by a successful medical somebody and a prolific children’s book author.
Like the prudent being that he was, Humpty Dumpty was naturally aware of the dangers presented in taking drastic, irrevocable actions. Permanency is a frightening thing, which lends death its fearsomeness. Therefore Humpty Dumpty locked away, on the distant shores of a lonely planet, a full account of the Earth’s real history, and the intricacies of all that he discovered. We would no doubt eventually discover for ourselves the things that Humpty Dumpty introduced so many years ago, in what he could only hope was the right time. When this time comes, the universe shall be opened to our viewing and we will likely find this last gift from Humpty Dumpty. For the present, though, Humpty decided to leave us with a simpler life.
And so the Dingos, who knew not how large of an impact they would have, cackled as they knocked Humpty Dumpty from his throne of stone. As he plummeted, he pressed the red button. In the distance, sirens began to blair. The fall lasted a mere few seconds, but a multitude of images streamed through Humpty Dumpty’s mind in his final moments. He remembered his humble beginnings and saw the Shropshire farm on which he was born, as well as his chicken siblings and parents (who would not miss him, so he had no reason to be sad over them). He saw brick college buildings and inkstands and stacks of paper; he saw horse drawn carriages and candles illuminating lecture halls; himself on a stage, crowds clapping, and awards; he saw fluorescent lights, bathing buildings in bright light; electric vehicles quietly whirring down cobblestone streets; people crying with blackened teeth and people laughing with pearly whites; he saw into space, millions of stars, millions of pinpricks of light, flashing by him in an instant. And then there was the green of grass, then a light brighter than all the stars, and finally the deep blackness of infinite silence.
Part V. Epilogue
Soft explosions sounded in the distance. Really, they were more like pops and cracks, produced as buildings and technology vaporized, briefly leaving behind vacuums. However, no one was awake to hear the noise. Everyone was soundly asleep, peacefully losing portions of their memory, unbeknownst to them. When the rare-mushroom-spore-memory-wiping-gas had been globally released, around an hour before, everyone had been overcome with an intense drowsiness and a desire to go home and call it a day. Earth – that is, the part of Earth involving people – had essentially shut down for the day. Everyone had safely evacuated all Space-Eggs™ facilities, though they remembered not the reason for evacuation. As the late Humpty Dumpty had intended, no one had been harmed – at least, no one save the Dingos. But, even their fate had not been Humpty Dumpty’s fault. They had scurried into the nearby Space-Eggs™ Research Center, intending to make some mischief, heedless of the blaring sirens and fleeing scientists. Their brian chemistry, being somewhat different than ours, resulted in them being affected by the gas in a way not intended. Instead of losing their memory and drifting off to sleep, they became very reckless, giddy, and euphoric. In short, Shrimpo and Barbie had ended up smashing themselves to bits in a powerful particle collider, which proved to be quite lethal. The building and its equipment were vaporized an hour later anyways, so it really made little difference.
And so, the next morning, the world awoke with no knowledge of the great Humpty Dumpty, or his achievements. Life seemed to be nearly exactly the way that it was prior to his existence, and quite the same as how we remember the 1700s. And so, the most genius mind the universe has ever known passed from existence, like all things. Even with such a great intellect, all his feats were forgotten, and he left having made hardly a dent of difference on the Earth.
Although it is not entirely accurate to say that absolutely everyone woke up the next day with no knowledge of the late professor. There were a few people from Earth who did remember Humpty Dumpty: King George the III and a few of his servants. His majesty had been vacationing on a sunny, peaceful, tropical planet in a distant galaxy. (Being king was a stressful job.) Because of this, he was absent from Earth when the gas was released. When Humpty Dumpty pressed the red button, King George III had just departed from Miamini, the beach planet, and was rather startled when his royal spaceship’s alarms sounded, ushering him and his servants into the much more modest space capsule. He was even more startled when the rest of the spaceship suddenly seemed to disintegrate. However, the king’s party did make it safely back to England in the escape shuttle the next night, even if the ride was somewhat bumpy.
The morning after his arrival, he was bewildered to see everything so altered. He had grown quite accustomed to living in a technologically advanced world, so returning to the primitive world he had known as a boy was rather difficult. What was even more perplexing was the fact that no one else, save the servants who had accompanied him, seemed to notice any difference in anything, and carried on just how they had previously. The only things that remained from Humpty Dumpty’s stay on Earth were the dental improvements and knock-knock jokes, both of which were just as popular as they had been before King George left for vacation. In fact, no one made any mention of the famed Humpty Dumpty, or seemed to know who he was at all. King George the III was met with odd looks whenever he inquired after the departed genius. He caused a great stir amongst royalty and the general public when he persisted in his claims of an ultra-intelligent egg and galactic adventures. When he proffered the escape shuttle he had returned in as evidence, it just furthered people in their conviction of the king’s insanity. They simply claimed he was off his rocker and tinkered with fanciful contraptions in his leisure time. Indeed, the escape shuttle had been designed purely for functionality, not aesthetics, and after the wear-and-tear it had endured it did not look like impressive space-travel material. And so the knowledge which only the king (and a few guards) possessed gained him nothing but the famed Madness of King George.
Frantic, the king, who did in fact possess an average level of sanity, organized an expedition to find the lost Humpty Dumpty. He searched far and wide, carrying out an extensive search around the grounds of where the Space-Eggs™ Research Center used to stand. Soldiers mounted on steeds were seen scouring the area. Finally, they came to the fateful stone wall, his final resting place. At first, it seemed this place would offer no more clues than the previous locations had, but low and behold! One of the guards spotted fragments of what would have been a large shell. Humpty Dumpty, during his descent, had detonated a small bomb in his hand, so that his body would never be discovered. All that remained were small pieces of charred clothing and the bits of shell which were found. The distraught king was overcome with frenzy. In a desperate last attempt, he ordered his guards to try reassembling the broken hero.
But alas: All the king’s horses and all the king’s men could not put Humpty Together again.